October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
It used to be a sad month for me because I experienced a stillbirth in December of 2019. I never expected it to happen to me, to us, but it did. We lost our baby boy from this horrible tragedy. We made plans and had dreams to share with our little one, but it didn't happen. I'm not here to give you a sob story. I want to share what helped me to get healed, a few insights, and give resources to anyone who is struggling with losing a child. I am not here as an expert in this topic but to share various things that were instrumental in bringing back my JOY.
According to the CDC, 1 in 175 babies are born still. Also, they share that "stillbirth occurred among non-Hispanic Black women two times more often than non-Hispanic Asian or Pacific Islander and White women". We can come up with multiple reasons and factors that play into these statistics all day. But the truth of it is, it hurts and leaves a void because no one can explain why it happens but how it happens.
I'll give you a glimpse of actual words from a journal entry:
Most Christians know the enemy, the devil, comes to still and kill and destroy. Jesus Christ came to gives us life and life more abundantly (John 10:10). We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12). My husband and I understood that fact and believed it wholeheartedly. We NEVER blamed God for our loss, but we had questions like anybody else. We've never received an answer, of course, but we know we will find answers when we get to heaven. One thing that holds true is we will see baby boy again in heaven.
Grief was a stronghold; it was definitely a spiritual attack on my voice and my life. Did I mention I almost lost my life while give birth? The medical had to give me 6 units of blood and a few bags of platelets. I also want to note, it took me 2 months to sing any song because grief shackled my vocal cords. Anyone who really, truly knows me in real life, they know I really enjoy singing or humming anywhere I am. During my journey, my skin got darker, I suffered from insomnia, and I was surrounded by a few "saints" with selfish questions. If you knew the foolish words I've heard from other people's mouth, you would be shocked. Their words were full of judgement, looking for someone to blame, and unfruitful to say the least. The enemy will use people to drag you deeper into what you're going through.
WHAT BROUGHT BACK MY JOY?
Being surrounded by a supportive, loving husband and 3 wonderful sons and immediate family members. I received grief therapy/counseling for several months by a wonderful therapist/counselor. More importantly, my private time with the Lord in prayer also brought my JOY back. I made sure to surround my atmosphere with the word of God, uplifting Christian songs that truly worship the Lord (not self), and positive-minded people. In 2022, I went to a retreat in Orlando, FL where I receive supernatural deliverance from the spirit of pression, grief and other ungodly things that were rooted in my soul. I'm not getting deep into the weeds of that story; just know I've NEVER experienced such supernatural power of God before in my life from any ministry. All of the residue from grief and remnants of depression left behind in me was plucked out by its roots. HALLELUJAH, I'M FREE! Later in the coming months I had to maintain my deliverance so I can stay FREE.
I will share my story in detail later, stay tuned....
Insights
Through this journey, I have learned:
- healthcare system and its workers have failed many women, especially minorities
- tragedy can happen to anyone; no one is exempt from it
- people will show who they are by what they say and do, "Will they show up for you?"
- people will force you to "move on"
- people will think is taboo to talk about your lived experience
- people will think you are not healed because you talk about your experience (why can't I give a testimony?)
- GOD WILL REFINE YOU IN THE FIRE
- people who truly love you will show up for you
- unforgiveness will stunt your healing process
- there are not enough grief therapist/counselors in the US (especially if you live in a small town or city); we need more
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